In September of 2012, I decided to be celibate. I would give up my whoring ways, dedicate myself to the Lord and never have sex again until I was married. I was 20, I was ambitious and I was wrong. Silly me, I thought I came up with a foolproof plan, I would remove the very appearance of evil. I stopped watching all TV shows and movies that had any sex scenes (so basically all media), I listened to nothing but Christian Accapella and anytime a thought of sex came into my mind I tried to distract myself with other things.

For a while this worked, I was living in a bubble but it was a safe bubble. I had basically reduced all entry points for temptation. I was single, I was working and I made up my mind to be celibate, nothing could go wrong.

Then one night I was chatting with a friend on Facebook. I hadn’t spoken to him in a long time so I was excited to chat. He and I were friends when we were teenagers and had spent many nights on the phone whispering dirty things to each other. That night I told him I was celibate and had been so for over a year. Laugh emoji, laugh emoji, laugh emoji. He couldn’t believe it. He told me that he’d never think I could be celibate and then proceeded to flirt with me.

I shall spare you all the details for now but that was the beginning of the end for me, a few months later I broke my celibacy.

Sweeping things under the carpet

I believed that by blocking entry points for temptation I was dealing with my issues; out of sight out of mind. I thought I had my sex drive under control but in fact, I was just delaying the inevitable. I hadn’t learned how to control my urges, instead, I just decided to sweep my urges under the carpet and call it a day. And I failed.

As a Christian, I was supposed to lean on God to help me overcome but instead, I relied on what I could do. And I failed. Even if you don’t believe in God, the message is still the same, you have to deal with the root causes internally rather than relying on external plasters for your problems. That’s why counsellors and therapists exist, to help you internalize your issues, find solutions and grow as an individual.

Ironically, back in 2012, I should’ve known that hiding away wasn’t going to work. You see, I became a vegetarian in 2010. I trained my mind and body to want healthier food and to reduce my desire for meat. I didn’t do so by running away from meat or turning off the TV when I saw a KFC advertisement. Sure, the temptation to eat meat would arise but I dealt with it as it came and by consistently making choices in the direction I wanted to go, I built my resistance. I’ve been a vegetarian now for 14 years.   

Why do you want to be celibate?

In all things, it is important to consider the why. Why are you choosing to be celibate? Is it even your choice? Part of the reason you may find it difficult to remain celibate is because you’re not grounded in why you’re making the decision in the first place.

For me, being celibate meant taking control of my high sex drive. However, instead of dealing with the root cause, such as my desire for physical intimacy, my need to be accepted and my people-pleasing habits I focused on hiding away and hoping everything would work itself out.  

There may be various reasons why you want to be celibate such as:

• You’re waiting for the right person
• You’re waiting for marriage
• You’re exploring sexuality in other forms
• You’re developing self-control

Whatever the reason is, there must be a determined reason or you’ll just be drifting in the wind. Celibacy is not a cure-all for sexual needs. You cannot wish away your desire for sex, no matter how hard you try. Your sexual desires are human. The idea behind celibacy is to exhibit restraint; to delay sexual pleasure for a while (or forever if that’s your vibe) and take control of your sex life instead of letting it control you.  

Making choices

Whether you decide to have sex or not should be a conscious decision. Being celibate isn’t about your partner, about some traditional view on sex, or about sexual shame. It should be about you; and how you feel about your sexual identity.

In life every choice you make cements certain character traits in yourself. The more you decide to eat junk food to more you become a junk food fiend. You have the power to control your life by the choices you make every day. You have the power to control your sexual desires and urges if you want to. Is it going to be easy? Probably not. But if celibacy is something that you want to do, then it’s worth the trouble.  

You can train your mind to do anything you want.

Remember,

Tell Your Story.

Niques.