why I stopped trying to be nice

People like to say “I’m a nice person”, most times they say this with a sense of egotistical genuinity because everyone wants to be a nice person right? Or rather everyone wants others to believe that they’re a nice person but what does being ‘nice’ even mean and is there another way to be a respectable human being without niceness?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary the word ‘nice’ means ‘pleasant or agreeable’. Therefore, one can concur with the definition that a ‘nice person’ thrives to live peaceably with everyone or in layman’s terms they aspire to be a living doormat.

When we say we’re trying to be nice, essentially what we’re saying is that we’re attempting to compromise our own wants and feelings for the sake of other’s happiness.  Don’t get me wrong there is a time and place to be nice, however, when this quality is taken to the extreme it can adversely diminish mental and emotional health.   

Jane is nice. That’s what people say about her. She always tries to be a nice person, she helps others when she can, she listens to all her friends’ problems and ultimately she thrives to be kind to everyone.  She just goes along with the plans of others and always sides with the majority. She never speaks about her problems because she doesn’t want to inconvenience her friends and family. She projects an image of a person who just wants to be there for others and doesn’t ask for anything in return.

You know Jane, we all know Jane. That one person in your class or workplace that just seems to brim with radiant sunshine, who’s always the first to put up that $10 to buy the workplace jackass a birthday cake.

We all hate Jane. Why? Because we are essentially all selfish, whether we want to believe it or not and seeing someone strive to always seek after the needs of others selflessly makes us sick to our stomachs.

Deep down Jane is miserable, why? Because the reality is that no one really cares if Jane is nice or not. Her friends appreciate her efforts, they say thank you whenever she’s there for them but when it’s time for them to reciprocate, they are never there. They take her niceness as an indication that she doesn’t need anyone and this leaves Jane with only one sided relationships.

The truth is that Jane isn’t really nice. Her need to make people believe that she’s nice comes from her longing to feel accepted. This need for acceptance exists in all of us. We want to feel a sense of community and belonging. So do I blame Jane for her pretence? Nah, Jane is just human.  

via GIPHY

There is a Jane inside all of us. Inside all of us is a desire to co-exist in harmony with others. Humans are social creatures and we can’t help but long for others to like us. So we put on characters in social situations based on what we think others want, in order for them to accept us. And some do the opposite; they project meanness because they believe no one will truly accept them if they show their real selves.

Ultimately, we are afraid.

This fear of being your true self comes at the detriment of your mental/emotional self. Isn’t it exhausting pretending all the time?

There is an epidemic of fake niceness. A disease plaguing the land, so we put on masks to hide our true identity. We drain every ounce of our life force in attempt to please others, clinging desperately to the hope that they will accept us so we can have deep meaningful relationships.  

And when that doesn’t work we become a bitter, depressed, resentful, and desperately in need of a good smash principal who makes everyone’s life a living hell. Shout out to my previous boss. 🙂

In the same breath, we long for authenticity. We marvel at people who can share their opinions without fear and scan through comment sections to read raw responses.  We enjoy watching the typical asshole as they rampage the comment section with their outlandish idiotic nonsensical rants about why he hates this type of content and how the content creator is the scum of society. THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE GODSSCHOSENKING87??? WHY ARE YOU EVEN WATCHING MY VIDEOS?!  >.>

I digress.

So I stopped trying to be nice. But Niques, the Bible says… Yeah I know what the Bible says I’m not an idiot. I’ve just decided to be real instead. I hung up my cloak of niceness and put on my leather jacket of realness (looks better on me anyway).

So if I don’t want to do something, I’m going to respectfully tell you to haul yuh mother….I mean I going to tell you I’m not interested. If something genuinely interests me, I’m going to exist in that moment consciously, removing all distractions so I can enjoy it.

I’m going to tell people I enjoy their company even though that may seem weird and if I don’t like someone I’m not going to pretend that I do or make them feel bad for existing. I am going to be respectable to everyone I meet not because I’m trying to be nice but because that’s just common decency.

I’m going to try existing as myself.

I recently read a quote from Abraham Maslow in his book Motivation and Personality, in reference to self-actualization or becoming the most human he writes…

“He must be able to be expressive when he wishes to be. He must be able to let himself go. He must be able to drop controls, inhibitions, defences when he deems this desirable. But equally, he must have the ability to control himself, to delay his pleasures, to be polite, to avoid hurting, to keep his mouth shut, and to rein his impulses.”

This quote has been ringing in my head like an overplayed pop song ever since I read it. Essentially what Maslow was saying is that we should have the ability to just be.

So I’ve embarked on a journey to be more human, to be more me.

The great historical figures, Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, were not people who were necessarily nice but they were people who stood up for what they believed. Who had an opinion and dared to share it. Who decidedly existed as themselves even if others didn’t like them.

So if you don’t like me because you think I’m not nice. I’m ok with that.

Remember,

Tell Your Story.

Niques.