What is sexual shame and where does it come from? This shame causes you to feel disgusted with yourself, every time the thought of sex pops into your head.

“Why can’t I just be normal?” you think.

“Why can’t I just be like everyone else?”

The truth is you are like everyone else (I’m sorry to break it to you, you’re not special). Everyone thinks about sex. Even people who are trying not to have sex think about sex. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. From the age we find out about sex to our dying breath, humans think about sex a lot.

So why the shame, why the ridicule, why the sneakiness? And is this shame healthy? Or is it in some respect hurting our relationships and hurting ourselves?

The Mass Renunciation of the Sexual Need

Imagine a scene, you’re sitting in youth class at church and the counsellor says “Don’t have sex before marriage.” Ok, no problem, good advice. But then he says “Because if you have sex before marriage you’re going to hell.” Ok, stop, what?

Imagine with me again, you’re sitting in a sex education class/seminar at school and the teacher says “You shouldn’t be having sex right now,” Ok, no problem, good advice. But then she says “Because if you do, you’ll get pregnant, get someone pregnant or die of an STD.” Ok, stop, what?

 I’m sure you’ve heard of or been in one of these scenarios before; usually, some adult is telling some group of teenagers the dangers of having sex. As if sex is a bad apple and the only things that can come from it are negative. Now, is it possible for you to get pregnant, and then die of an STD? Yes. Is it possible that you’re going to hell? Also, yes. But it will be because of way more reasons than just having sex.

Good intended adults use these fearmongering tactics in an attempt to scare the Jesus into teenagers. But does it work? Yes and no. 45% of the time it doesn’t work and they have sex anyway because let’s be honest you can’t really tell teenagers what to do. The other 45% who manage to remain virgins until adulthood or marriage end up with feelings of sexual shame, performance anxiety or just throw themselves off the deep end and try to bone every living person they meet.  The remaining 10% who get married and seem to have normal functioning relationships are deep down hiding dark sexual fantasies that if anyone found out about, they would quickly throw themselves in front of a moving train.

Here’s a little secret, Humans need sex. Yea, shocking right? Or let me put it another way, inside of each human being there is a sexual need. We have the desire for sex because we have the desire to reproduce and a desire for intimacy with others. Of course, some people have this need more than others. And just like every other need in the human organism, sexual desire can be controlled and managed.

However, throughout the years there has been a mass renunciation of the sexual need by the church and by society. I dare you to tell someone you need sex. The very thought of doing that creeps you out doesn’t it?

The problem with the renunciation of this basic human need and subsequent shame is that it forces us to push down our desires instead of dealing with them head-on. We try to sweep our sexual needs under a rug, and then it builds up and explodes in our faces. We make stupid, impulsive decisions based on this need because we haven’t taken the time to explore our feelings and that’s how some of us end up with unwanted pregnancies and dying from STDs.

You can’t hold back for so long

A few years ago, one of our leaders at church got pregnant. At the time, she was a young unmarried woman and of course, her pregnancy was greatly frowned upon by the elders of the church. She was quickly stripped from her positions, chastised by church members and threatened with banishment.

By sexually shaming our young people we are creating a negative feedback loop. They are ashamed of their feelings, so they try to push them down and ignore them. But when you ignore your feelings, it tends to ferment in the background. When encounter a sexual situation, say some cute boy whispers in your ear, those unresolved feelings bubble back up to the surface, you’re unprepared to handle them and you make decisions based only on how you feel in the moment.

Instead of sexual shaming, we must learn to embrace our sexual nature and make conscious decisions beforehand about our sex life instead of just getting swept up by how we feel. In other words, deal with your shit.

Understanding the sexual need

I was watching a video on Youtube called How to date, mate and find fulfilment. In the video, a few college professors were discussing the importance of sex and romantic partnerships.

After a couple of minutes, I began scrolling through the comment section. One commenter emphatically wrote, “I’m pretty busy with food and shelter at the moment.” This was the most liked comment and brings up an important point.

When discussing sexual needs it is imperative that we understand context. The sexual desire only comes about in an individual whose other physical needs are already met. In other words, it is almost impossible for you to get in a sexy mood if you’re starving to death.

In his 1954 book ‘Motivation and Personality’ psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote extensively about motivational needs. Through his research in clinical psychology, he discovered a sort of ranking of man’s needs which he called Motivation Theory.

On the internet, you will see this hierarchy (most times incorrectly) represented in a pyramid. While there is no pyramid in any of Maslow’s writings, he repeatedly mentions the human’s sexual desire both as a lower physiological need and as a social need or need for intimacy. He is so specific in his writing that he goes as far as to separate the need for love and the need for sex.

“One thing that must be stressed at this point is that love is not synonymous with sex. Sex may be studied as a purely physiological need. Ordinarily sexual behaviour is multideterminded, that is to say, determined not only by sexual but also by other needs, chief among which are the love and affection needs.”

Pg 44, Motivation and Personality, Abraham Maslow.

According to Maslow, lower motivational needs (such as physical needs) must be met in order for an individual to have high desires (such as the need for love).

“If all needs are unsatisfied, and the organism is dominated by the physiological needs, all other needs may become simply non-existent or be pushed into the background.”

pg 37 Motivation and Personality, Abraham Maslow.

While Maslow lumps the need for sex in the category of physical needs along with hunger, thirst and rest, I beg to differ. According to my mother, you cannot make love on an empty stomach. For those who are struggling to make ends meet or living in unfavourable circumstances (e.g. war or famine) the sex need may be non-existent.

However, for those who have their base physical needs met, the need for sex can be all-consuming. The sex need isn’t less or more important than other needs. Problems arise when some people have little or no desire for sex but then shame others for wanting sexual intimacy.

We all have different levels of needs and varying points in our lives. The sex need is very real and very human and no one should be ashamed of it.

Conclusion

Sex is both a gift and a responsibility. It is a gift because God in all His wisdom gave us the ability to connect with another human being in an enjoyable, mind-bending, and ecstatic way. When done right and with the right person sex can be beneficial both to your mental and physical well-being. But sex is also a responsibility not only because it can produce children but because sex can be wrong and can affect both your mental and physical health. It can be a source of trauma and pain. And can be used as a tool for control; this can happen both inside and outside of marriage.

Sexual shame tries to get us to ignore a part of ourselves that is intrinsically human. Sexual shame can hold us back from letting go in the moment and enjoying one of life’s natural pleasures with the person you love. And when left undealt with can cause us to spiral into chaos and make decisions that cause a lifetime of pain.  

Being sexual is part of being human. So say to yourself, I am a sexual being and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Remember,

Tell Your Story.

Niques.