is it healthy to suppress sexual urges?

Growing up in a conservative Christian household, I was taught this about sex; it was bad, don’t do it, you will die and go to hell. I was indirectly encouraged to suppress my sexual urges, which I attempted to do by pushing down sexual thoughts, abstaining from physical intimacy in relationships and beating myself up about masturbation.

As I matured into adulthood, I felt my sexual urges grow. It became more and more difficult to suppress my thoughts and I felt as though my sexual self, the part of myself I tried to keep at bay for so long, was about to burst free and she was angry, real angry.

I made horrible decisions because I hadn’t developed the muscle to control my urges. I had been taught that sexual desire was dirty, wrong and sinful. I began exhibiting signs of sexual compulsive behaviour and I constantly felt guilty and ashamed about my actions. I couldn’t talk to anybody about it because I was supposed to be a Christian young lady and Christians don’t struggle with sexual desire, right?

So I struggled in silence, sneaking around in an attempt to fulfil my sexual need but then beating myself up about it, telling God that this would be the last time, only to go back and do it again, and again and again. Because of my upbringing, I didn’t understand that my sexual desire was normal and healthy, and trying to suppress this need for all those years was actually having the opposite effect on my mental, physical and spiritual well-being.

The Rebound Effect

In psychology, the rebound effect refers to ‘the suppression of unwanted thoughts causes the subsequent increase in such thoughts.’ In order words, trying to ignore or avoid the thoughts can cause an increase in those thoughts which can lead to unwanted actions.

In the 2018 issue of The Journal of Sex a study entitled ‘God, I Can’t Stop Thinking About Sex! The Rebound Effect in Unsuccessful Suppression of Sexual Thoughts Among Religious Adolescents’ was published by Dr Yaniv Efrati, a behavioural sciences lecturer and researcher. This study compared the effects of sexual suppression on Jewish Orthodox teens versus secular teens in Israel.

After surveying 661 teens, Efrati found that the ‘religious adolescents reported greater preoccupation with unwanted sexual thoughts and fantasies than secular adolescents.’

In his interview with the magazine PsyPost, he went on to report…

“The study reflects, in my opinion, the complex reality among religious adolescents. It seems that the religious public should examine its ways regarding the importance of discourse and the ability to engage in sexuality and sexual education even in the early stages of adolescence. It is very important that religious society discuss sexuality and deal with sexuality in the right manner at the beginning of adolescence and even at the elementary age in order to prevent the development of compulsive sexual behaviour,”

It was partly because of my religious upbringing and my lack of information about sexual health that caused me to suppress my sexual urges. I thought by suppressing my urges I was controlling them but in fact it was a mere coping mechanism and ended up causing the opposite effect.  

Suppress vs. control

According to an article from Medical News Today sexual suppression or repression ‘refers to a pattern of restricting sexual expression. This may occur through the conscious or unconscious suppression of sexual desires, behaviours, or thoughts.’

We all know by experience that trying to suppress desires doesn’t work. Have you ever tried going on a diet, only to immediately break it the moment someone offered you your favourite fast food meal? Yea, same.

Avoidance is not the answer. You learn how to control your thoughts and actions by confronting them and consistently making decisions in the direction you want to go. By constantly making the right choices every day, even in the face of temptation your brain and body adapt, your urges are reduced and you are in control.

Being able to control our urges is the only thing that separates us from animals. The human mind has the ability to overcome instinctive nature.  We can train ourselves to eat a certain way, go to the bathroom at a certain time and learn new things. Your mind can overrule your biology and control any bodily instinct in favour of what you want to do instead. In essence, if you desire, you can control your body and not have your body control your mind.

The difference between suppression and control is that one helps us confront our feelings and find solutions, while the other encourages us to push those feelings away in an attempt to bury them. One encourages growth and the other stagnation.

Conclusion

Sexual shame is usually the root cause of sexual suppression and can cause a myriad of physical and mental problems. As previously discussed, sexual suppression can lead to compulsive sexual behaviour but it has all sorts of other negative side effects as well. Some end up having problems with intimacy in their relationship while others may end up with physical sexual dysfunction.

In order to control any aspect of ourselves, we must learn to accept every part of ourselves even the parts we’ve been taught to hate. You have the power to control if you want to engage in sexual activity or if you want to be celibate. By engaging in mindfulness, self-compassion and healthy sexual expression we can begin to live a life where our sexual needs can be explored, enjoyed and satisfied.

Remember,

Tell Your Story.

Niques.