There’s a saying in the church ‘It’s better to marry than to burn.’ It’s taken from 1 Corinthians 7:9. In talking to the unmarried, Paul (the author of Corinthians) advises them to get married instead of losing control. The explanation of this scripture seems pretty clear, taken in simple terms, it is better to get married than to be single and long for sex.
In this passage, Paul acknowledges that humans have a sexual need and there’s nothing sinful about that. He advises in verse 5 of that chapter that sex shouldn’t be avoided within marriage except for prayer and fasting. However, as any Bible scholar knows, we do not take one text and ascribe an entire doctrine when studying scripture. We compare scripture to scripture, verse to verse.
Where Christians have erred is by suppressing sexual desire so much that they need to get married for sex. Sex now becomes the objective of marriage instead of love and companionship. They long to get married just so they can have ‘legal sex’. But sex is only a part of marriage, not the entire thing. So after the wedding night and the two virgins finally and freely consummate their union their relationship is empty. The goal has been achieved and their relationship has nothing else to stand on. They were just too horny souls who wanted release.
Unrealistic expectations
The real danger of getting married for sex is that it puts sex on this pedestal and makes it seem much grander than it seems. Don’t get me wrong sex is great and can be a source of deep connection and intimacy with the right person. However, as someone who has been married and was having horrible, empty vapid sex I can tell you that the physical act of sex can be quite boring at times.
Plain talk bad manners, you shouldn’t marry someone just because you want to have sex. I get it, you’re horny and you don’t want to fornicate. But the person you want to spend the rest of your life with should be the person you actually like to spend time with and not just some hot guy you want to bump uglies with.
Christina and Brent
Christina and Brent grew up in the church. They were high school sweethearts and when they finally got married Christina was only 21 and Brent 22. From what Christina told me they managed to remain chaste up until their wedding night. They were both adamant about keeping their purity intact although she did admit to me that they got around it by light petting and foreplay at times.
When they got married and finally were able to release all that built-up sexual tension, Christina told me that it wasn’t what she expected. Most times she was left unsatisfied and felt strangely dirty about the whole thing. She reported that Brent expected her to fulfil his sexual fantasies; fantasies he never mentioned before they got married. She said that she thought sex would be this magical thing but somehow it didn’t feel that great to her and after they had their first child, she stopped desiring sex altogether.
Every time Brent would try to initiate, she would reject him and tell him that he liked sex too much. Ten years after they got married, she found out Brent had been cheating and they got divorced.
Sadly, Christina and Brent’s story isn’t the only story I know of a Christian couple having issues in their sex life, which has led to difficulties in marriage. It’s usually the same archetype; an unsatisfied woman and a horny man.
The difference between sex and intimacy
Funny enough, Christians do have a blueprint for sex within marriage. There’s an entire book in the Bible dedicated to it. However, pastors tend to stay away from presenting on Songs of Solomon, at least in the context of sex and marriage. I guess no one wants to come to church to hear how much Solomon wants to go down on his woman (don’t take my word for it, go read it yourself Songs of Solomon 5:1).
I will dive into the nitty-gritty of the Songs of Solomon another time but one thing that stands out to me about this book is that though it describes the sexual relations between two lovers, the sex is passionate, intimate and vulnerable.
I think we’ve missed the point when talking about sex within marriage (or in any context for that matter), rather than a focus on the physical act, the focus should be on intimacy.
You can have sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex. The two are not mutually exclusive however, when combined can be absolutely magical. Intimacy is the cake and sex is the icing. You can have the icing by itself but that’s just going to give you a sharp toothache.
When intimacy is involved, two partners’ guard is lowered. They seek to please one another, to make each other feel good. They feel secure and safe to be themselves and get lost in the moment. They are present, locked into each other’s gaze. It is a beautiful thing that can exist with or without sex. There are different types of intimacy. Intimacy is the secret sauce and can be developed in any romantic relationship once both parties are willing.
Conclusion
We make bad choices when we allow our base appetites to go unchecked. For example, if you’re trying to be a vegetarian but you don’t meal plan and now you’re starving, you’re going to eat that bucket of spicy KFC wings your friend just happened to bring over; it’s evitable.
The same goes for unchecked or suppressed sexual desire. If you try to sweep it under the rug, eventually there will be no more space and the dust will just get everywhere. We make bad decisions when we’re horny, including but not limited to getting married to fulfil sexual desires.
It’s important to accept that you are a sexual being, you’re horniness is part of who you are. After acceptance, you decide what you want to do about your sexual desire. Whether you decide to be celibate or have sex is totally up to you but make a choice, preferably when all your brain cells aren’t down in your genitals.
Make a conscious decision beforehand and put things in place so that when you do have sex, it is safe, pleasurable and satisfying.
Remember,
Tell Your Story.
Niques.