How Important Are Our Sexual Needs?

Within each of us is a sexual need. The desire for sex is a basic human need, so why do we sometimes feel guilty about being horny? Biologically, we have an inclination for reproduction but beyond that, sex can also help us fulfil our intimacy needs. Interestingly though, not everyone’s sexual need is the same and the subconscious motivational factor behind this desire, may have nothing to do with the act of sex at all.

My Fixation on Sexual Desire

As a child, I was barely shown any physical affection. I never really saw my mother and father show any physical affection towards each other either, so I suppose hugs and kisses just wasn’t on the menu at my house.

When puberty hit and I discovered my clitoris, I began to sorely abuse the poor thing. I fantasised about being held, kissed and touched. When I eventually had sex at the age of 18, I realised how high my sex drive seemed to be in comparison to other women my age. I thought about sex a lot, sought after it, longed for it. My sexual need was growing at a rapid rate and to be honest I never really stopped to question why. I just figured I liked sex and that’s just the way I’m wired.

After coitus, I would sit and think about what happened. I would replay the event over and over in an attempt to relive the high. His touch, his moan, the eye rolls. My orgasm never mattered to me, I was satisfied with just the idea of my partner letting himself go and being able to bring him to orgasm.

It was only after settling down in a long-term relationship that I noticed that my sexual need had very little to do with the act of sex itself but it had more to do with physical intimacy. Sex with my ex was vapid. He wasn’t in the moment, his orgasms took forever to achieve (and sometimes didn’t happen at all) and even if I did climax I just felt empty afterwards. There was no remembering the moment and no residual high. In fact, I could barely remember anything that happened during our sessions together, moments after it happened. We lacked a romantic connection and later I found out that he wasn’t even attracted to me in the first place.

Even though we had sex, my sexual needs were not being fulfilled because it was purely physical and not emotional.

The Multiplicity of Sexual Need

There is a quote from psychologist Abraham Maslow’s book Motivation and Personality that explains the phenomenon of multiple motivations.

“For instance, it is well known that sexual behaviour and conscious sexual desires may be tremendously complex in their underlying, unconscious purposes. In one individual sexual desire may actually mean the desire to assure himself of his masculinity. It may in other individuals represent fundamentally a desire to impress, or a desire for closeness, friendliness, for safety, for love or for any combination of these.”

For me, sexual need was not only because of the instinctive human desire to reproduce but also it was my desire for closeness; a physical closeness I lacked growing up.

This is why everyone’s sexual needs are different and vary in levels of importance in romantic partnerships. Understanding your and your partner’s sexual needs is essential for the healthy functioning of any romantic union. Trying to ignore or suppress your sexual desires can lead to emotional, mental and physical distress. Not to mention issues within your relationship; trust me I know from experience.

Whether you’re in a relationship or trying to be celibate, your sexual need is important because it is part of what makes you human.

Furthermore, accepting your sexual desires is an important step to truly understanding who you are. We must learn to accept every part of ourselves in order to become the best version of ourselves.

Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu put it nicely…

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.”

Lao Tzu

Sexual privilege

Constants are things that will occur in life no matter where you live, your race or your age. They are things that have existed way before we were born and will continue to exist long after we’re gone.

There are few things that are constants in life. We can guarantee that the sun will rise tomorrow and the moon will set. Children will grow older and someone you know will die in your lifetime. You have to consume nutrients in order to continue living and no matter what you will experience some kind of pain.

And while sex and romantic love are also constants of life they are not constants for every individual human experience. In fact, there is a group of people who will live their entire lives and never once experience romantic affection. And there are others who will never have sex.

Sexual privilege is the ease of ability to express sexuality freely and to obtain a sexual partner. For some, this privilege isn’t available or is restricted based on circumstance. For example, the rise of heterosexual men being unable to find a partner, women in religious states who are restricted from expressing sexual identity and the challenges of queer people in conservative societies.

 In some instances, for some, sexual identity is almost non-existence because of extreme circumstances.   For example, for people in unstable political states, the desire to fulfil sexual needs is unimportant in favour of fulfilling more basic needs like food, shelter and physical safety.

Your ability to experience and express sexual desire is a privilege. Of course, this privilege should be afforded to everyone but unfortunately, it is not.

Conclusion

Sexual needs differ depending on the person and circumstance. So, only you can determine how important sex is to you and if you’re going to pursue a sexual relationship or not.

If you do happen to find someone to be intimate with consider it a privilege. Don’t be afraid to communicate your wants and desires to your partner and remember to be horny is to be human.

Remember,

Tell Your Story.

Niques.